Leaving Home

It is Thursday morning. Nothing spectacular about it. And yet, my world and my life is about to change irrevocably. I glance over the flat one more time, taking it all in. "This may well be it. If I walk out of here now, chances are I may never see it again." I go to school. Go straight to my classroom. Skip the morning meeting. Know I won't be able to handle it. Still have to complete my marks for end of term. Still have to write up athletic results. Return equipment. Clean desk. Pack up... Ann walks in. She's the only one who knows. My mind shuts down. I realise I can't even do simple calculations any more. I can't read. I can't think. Auto-pilot takes over. I walk to the computer centre to type my letter of resignation. "Dear Mrs N, I hereby tender my resignation with immediate effect. I regret not being able to follow regular procedure..." I hand it to Ann with clear instructions: "You will pass it on to Mrs N at 2 o'clock. Not a minute before." I turn and leave. Tears are streaming down my face. I've got to get out of here. The sorrow is unbearable. I touch people as I walk pass them. This is it, then. I hug my friends. They see it in my face: I will not be back. They know. And understand.

Roger meets me at the airport. He is taking my car. Nadia is waiting anxiously. She helps me check in. I go to the Internet cafe. Last minute transfers. E-mails. In the service of the master till the end. Waiting for boarding. I'm letting those I can, know. I get a flood of encouragement. By now I'm openly crying. Weeping. I have never felt such intense sorrow. Sitting on the plane, I continue to send and receive messages. The airhostess is getting impatient. My final message: The plane is taking off...

I'm vaguely aware of the other passengers. They are all Westerners returning to the Middle East for work. They wear casual clothes. Jeans. Strappy tops. Colourful and relaxed. I cry and sleep most of the time. Someone wakes me up for the landing. I open my eyes and everyone is wearing black. What's happened! I put on my abayah. Fuck it. It is almost midnite when we arrive. The temperature is 35 degrees. We go through customs. When they get to me, they stop for prayers. I wait for over an hour. It feels like nothing. I go to the rundown airport hotel and pass out. It's been a loo..oong day.